How NOT to write Ouran fanfiction
by Fomalhaut
Summary: Kyoya gathered some information about badfic, ready to share it with the Host Club members. Another one of my parodies, to be taken lightly. FINALLY UPDATED!
1. Random nonsense

**Well then, this is the continuation of "Kyoya's notes about Mary Sues", my other parody.**

* * *

Kyoya sat in front of the computer, intent on scribbling in his notebook. His agents had told him that, now that the research about Mary Sues was over, there was something else he should inform the club members about: something called the _badfic_. He wasn't sure this was really something _he_, Kyoya Ohtori, should care about, but, upon the insistence of one of the most trusted members of his private police, he eventually agreed. What he received was a CD-rom, which, the agent said, contained just a random badfic, with him, Kyoya Ohtori, in it as well.

The only reason why he stayed perfectly calm during the whole time he clicked going through the file on it was that he knew nothing even remotely like that could ever occur in the Host Club, or generally Ouran High; second, he knew that there was one easy way to avoid it: everyone just had to stay _in-character_, end of story.

Occasionally sipping some strong tea, he wrote down exactly what he read and saw, with occasional comments and side notes.

* * *

**Part I: General Misspelled Incongruent Badness**

"ZOMG MY FIRST OURAN FIC!! 11!!1!!!111!!! rEAd And rvIEw PLZ OMG!1!!THAX!!!11!1!!! WARNING CONTAINS RAPE!!! SLASH!!111! INCEST!1!!!ZOMG THX 4 RVIEWS1!!!!!111111!!!"

_(Now, really. What was that? It sounds like… forget it, no idea. I've never heard stuff like that even from the Lobelia girls, let alone Ouran.)_

"ZOMG TAMAKI TAKE ME NOW!"

_(Was that Haruhi?)_

OMG! A CLIFFY!

_(I won't get to know it right away… not that I really want to…)_

"Oh, mommy…" squealed Tamaki ZOMG!

"Oh, Tamaki, daddy, my only LUUUUV!!!" moaned Kyuoya Ohotri in pleasure.

_(Um, so the Lord is having sex with some guy. Wonder who this "Kyuoya Ohotri" is.)_

OMG! A CLIFFY!

_(Very exciting.)_

"Harder! Harder! Harder!1!!!111!!"

_(I'll have to check the box of this DVD, in case they accidentally switched it with some gay porn. Bad gay porn, I may add. I can't waste my time on that, not that I want to, of course.)_

The night was over soon ZOMG!

_(Well, nights usually end. Why is that so unusual that you need a ZOMG? Oh, I see. You're living on the North Pole? But then, it won't be "soon"… oh, never mind.)_

OMG! A CLIFFY!

_(Do you even know what a cliffhanger means?)_

"ZOMG Tamaki! I got RAEPED!"

_(Who are you, and you got WHAT?)_

"Oh my darling daughter!1!! Daddy will punish them11!!"

_(So it's Haruhi, but why is the lord talking in numbers?And what happened to that mysterious Kyuoya Ohotri?)_

"THX Tamaki!11!!!"

"Haru-chan!!1!!!" Hanniy screamed.

"NOOO!" Mory screamed.

_(Who are these two guys, and why are they talking in numbers too?)_

"Koaru I need sex!!!11111!1!!!"

_(Who are you and who is Koaru?)_

"Hykaruuu1!!!"

_(Never mind the numbers and the nonsense… and what happened to the others?)_

OMG! A CLIFFY!

_(Somehow I saw this coming.)_

Author's note: I got stuck! Dunno how to continue the story ZOMG! ARGH! OMG! A CLIFFY!

_(Was this even a story? Really, I thought they were random words thrown together. And, if you can't continue… thank goodness for that.)_

* * *

The next day, as the Host Club opened, Kyoya welcomed his customers.

"So you see, if you want us to please you, all you have to do is accept us as we are, and remember: Ouran is a great, expensive school. And if something happens… causes lead to consequences."

"EEE! Kyoya Ohtori is sooo clever!" the fangirls squealed. Kyoya just smiled, knowing they would pay for the merchandise; and he also saw one of the richest girls, Aki Kamimae, enjoying her time with Tamaki on the couch. Profit was sure.

* * *

Once the customers left, he asked the others to stay another while, and handed around a copy of his notes.

…what happened about five minutes later?

Haruhi got so disgusted she couldn't touch the ootoro which was ordered for her. Tamaki crouched in his emo corner, surrounded by an even darker aura than usual. The twins sat in utter shock. Mori had already dismembered the combat dummy they got him, just in case. And Hunny? Well, he fainted before he could eat his cakes.

Suddenly Kyoya's mobile phone rang.

"So there's something new?" his glasses flashed "I'll be home in a short while."

* * *

**Well, that was what Kyoya gathered on the first day of his research. And sorry for adding my OC as a wallpaper :)**


	2. Hosts and customers

**Wow, thanks for all the feedback! :) And, as seen in this chapter, Kyoya loves the customers' suggestions!**

* * *

"Kyoya."

"Yes, Princess Kamimae?"

Aki took a sip of her tea and looked at Kyoya.

"I have heard about your project, and decided to take a look at these things myself."

"And?"

"Well… I am always represented as a bitch who can't wait to pay you to have sex with me, and you are usually cosplaying naked, as for the other customers, some of who are _my friends_ for crying out loud…"

Kyoya listened carefully and took notes. Though he knew about most of the things Aki said, still, trying to look at it from a customer's point of view…

"Oh, and some of us even say Haruhi-kun is _a girl_! How foolish!"

_It could be interesting_, smiled Kyoya. _Thank goodness she doesn't know that in the last project I labeled her "Rich Bitch Sue"._

Paired with the new CD-rom his agents gave him, full of stupid stuff about the hosts, Aki's suggestions made a perfect continuation for his new project.

* * *

**Part II: Hosts and Customers**

_From Kyoya:_

Hosts

We don't cosplay as:

a) Chippendale boys

b) Forest animals (wth?)

c) Nerds

d) Nudists

e) Pole dancers

f) Flowers

g) Porn stars

Oh, and don't think just because I didn't add "furniture" we'd be glad to walk around dressed as chairs, tables and lamps.

We are not male prostitutes.

No matter how much you pay, we won't sleep with you for money.

Not even I would, sorry.

We won't welcome Nekozawa in the club anytime soon.

Or Chika.

Or Satoshi.

Or Bossa Nova.

Or you.

Or all of the above.

Just as the customers exit, we don't engage in hot gay orgies.

Or gangbang parties with Haruhi.

_From Aki:_

Customers

Just because we squeal at the sight of handsome men, we're not vacant-headed blow-up dolls with no lives.

Or stylish wallpaper items.

Or starving for sex.

Or all of the above.

We won't murder a host just because he won't marry us.

We are aware that all hosts are male, duh!

We don't wear that uniform because we have an awful fashion sense, but because it's, well, the _uniform_.

If you don't wear it because you can't pay for it… well, it's okay.

If you wear jeans and a T-shirt because you're American… that's not an excuse.

The Host Club goes on _because of us_, so a fic with the Host Club and no customers should be titled "The Host Club's bankruptcy".

We won't get off any host simply because he has a girlfriend.

And, so far, not one of them has.

Last, but not least, though we scream and squeal and love our hosts, we would never as much as contemplate the following line:

"ZOMG1!!!TAMKIYYKYOUYAHRUH1I!!1!!!111!HIKAOURU!!!1!!MORIHUNNYYAAYYY!!1!!11!"

OMG! A CLIFFY!

* * *

Kyoya smiled in satisfaction as he saw the utter shock on the others' faces after he handed out these notes, and as he counted how much Aki Kamimae paid that day for their services.

At home, a DVD was awaiting him.


	3. Haruhi's pregnant

**Oh, btw, did you like Aki? For I might consider adding her in future chapters as the incarnation of the customers' point of view.

* * *

**

Kyoya poured himself some more strong tea and put the disc into the DVD reader. The note inside it said it contained just another badfic, more specifically how an overused plot cliché should never be written, complete with terms and explanations. Kyoya watched carefully, taking notes of everything he saw. The result?

* * *

**Part III: Haruhi's pregnant!**

Very original, up there! Haruhi gives birth to Tamaki's baby and they live happily every after… oh wait. That's too simple.

So, recap: Haruhi angsts over wtf knows what, generally over… OMG! A CLIFFY! That she's abused by her father/the twins/the boy next door/the chairman/a random teacher/Kyoya, in which case she usually seeks refuge in Hunny's or Mori's arms, and they shag all night long, for, ya know, that's the perfect way to make a girl, but especially _Haruhi_, forget her sorrow.

…wait. Not angsty enough, plus, there's not enough mystery.

Recap no. 2.: Haruhi angsts about how she never experienced love, for no one gives her a second look (_yeah, except the six most handsome guys at Ouran + Bossa Nova_), and she's without a boyfriend. You see, that's very in-character, too. Oh, and said angst has to last for at least 2 chapters, if not more.

Then, as random club days come and go (6 chapters minimum), suddenly Haruhi sleeps with a host, usually Tamaki or Kyoya, but wait, let's not say it _this_ straight! Haruhi spends a passionate night with _somebody_, or maybe even _everybody_, while of course condoms, pills and general safetysex all seem completely unknown. OMG! A CLIFFY! But wait, a passionate night, you say? Then… it has to be LIME! LEMON! ORNAGE! GRAPEFRUIT! PINEAPPLE! Um, that's not a type of citrus, damnit… OMG! A CLIFFY!

As chapters go, Haruhi notices something weird. Not the thing that everything still takes her as a boy and she actually _enjoys_ being in the Host Club, the other one. Yeah, that she sometimes randomly faints in the middle of the corridor/her home/class/club. OMG! A CLIFFY! But why? Of course, first logical and in-character thing in this story: she dismisses it as a cold. Less likely but still there, the others think the same way.

But yeah, it's not a cold! OMG! A CLIFFY! Could it be… OMG! A CLIFFY!

…_Haruhi's pregnant._

OMG! A CLIFFY!

Angst, angst, and angst, if it's vacation, nobody knows she is, maybe even Ranka doesn't notice that his only beloved daughter has suddenly grown a huge belly, yadda yadda yadda, OMG! A CLIFFY! For the best impact, everybody _but_ the actual father knows, or, if we don't know the actual father, nobody does. That is to say, the actual father _never_ knows about/cares for/wants the poor child, OMG! A CLIFFY!

_Unborn_ child, to be precise. Taking the insanely high chapter count so far, Haruhi's pregnancy, at the very least, lasts 2 years, 4 months, 13 days, 7 hours, 5 minutes and 48 seconds. OMG! A CLIFFY!

Haruhi goes into labor in the middle of the street/Host Club, and OMG! A CLIFFY! almost dies during childbirth (4 chapters here about pain and, of course, _angst_), then gives birth to a baby girl. A _baby girl_. A BABY GIRL. Heard that, A BABY GIRL!!! Yeah, Haruhi can only give birth to girls, 'cause ya know, boys are so, ew, how should I put that, _boring_. Also, the infant gets a Western name, something along the lines of Emerald Neptunia, probably. OMG! A CLIFFY!

Oh, and the father? He doesn't know. Or if he does, he doesn't know he's the father. Poor ignorant boy. OMG! A CLIFFY!

Kyoya's medical staff and DNA testing does not exist, but the baby girl immediately shows an uncanny resemblance to Tamaki/Kyoya/Hunny/Arai/Bossa Nova/Nekozawa/Chika (Mori seems incapable of fathering Haruhi's children – oops, sorry, I meant _daughters_ – whose hordes around fanfiction sites by the way could populate half Tokyo, and since the twins are identical, them being the father would make it less _thrilling_), OMG! A CLIFFY!

Now comes the absolute, total, perfect, so much needed, craved for _ANGST_. Happy?

"Oh my dear little beautiful Violette Mercuria, I will raise you alone for your mean father doesn't want you, maybe if he knew how lovely you were…!" OMG A CLIFFY!, cried Haruhi.

Ranka doesn't want to kill the father, maybe he doesn't even know her daughter was pregnant (?!), or is so happy to be a granddad that wtf cares, or mysteriously disappears. Better yet, he _dies_, possibly along with the baby's father…

* * *

Kyoya turned the TV off. Even he couldn't bear it any more.


	4. Interlude

**Interlude time! Aki and Kyoya mess around!

* * *

**

"Wait, what? What are you saying?! I'm not a prostitute!" Aki Kamimae nearly kicked over the coffee table.

"Princess Kamimae" Kyoya didn't bat an eyelid, intent on searching through only a tiny part of the enormous amount of information he received "the others usually get some light shock over my notes, and forget about them quite soon. This way they won't."

Aki glanced at him sideways, upside down, like Tamaki usually did to girls.

"But you still want to pay me for…"

"Well then, remember, even I have to do a certain little sacrifice. Not that you're not attractive enough, Princess Kamimae."

"Hmm…" Aki took a sip of her tea "…fine. I'll do it. Just prepare me a golden washbasin with a diamond tap, a platinum toothbrush and water coming through a pipe from the Swiss Alpes. Right in the Third Music Room."

Kyoya immediately called his staff.

"It'll be done by tomorrow."

Aki waved goodbye.

* * *

"I have an important announcement to make." Kyoya, after club closed, had everyone stay in the Third Music Room.

The others looked at him; he had no notes in hand, and even his black notebook was nowhere to be seen; perhaps it wasn't anything concerning Mary Sues or _badfic_s.

Kyoya pushed his glasses up.

"Next month, on the 4th, at 6 PM in my seaside mansion, there will be a celebration; you're all invited."

"What's gonna happen?" asked Tamaki.

"Well, nothing special…" Kyoya smiled cryptically.

The door opened and Aki Kamimae walked in.

"Did you already tell them, sweetheart?" she asked, moving her hips sexily.

_Sweetheart??!!_ Host Club members seemed utterly shocked, but Kyoya just smiled again.

Aki, ignoring even her usual Host of choice, Tamaki, directly headed for the vice president and literally melted in his arms.

"Well" said Kyoya, putting an arm around her "we're getting married."

Tamaki and Hunny already fainted.

"Oh, Aki…" Kyoya kissed her passionately, their tongues battling.

The twins fainted too.

"Ooohhh, aaahhh, Kyoya…!" Aki caressed his face lovingly, their bodies rubing together.

Mori fell.

"Call me _fluffy bunny_…" Kyoya sighed, voice filled with lust.

Haruhi hit the ground with a _thud_.

"Looks like they lasted less than we expected." Aki quickly freed herself from Kyoya's embrace and walked to the prepared expensive washbasin, where she proceeded to wash her teeth after the kiss.

"Hey, you, wake up!" Kyoya took out his notebook.

The others didn't move. Kyoya sighed and called the Ohtori family staff to help them get up.

"So" after they sometime regained their composure, Aki had finished curing her oral hygiene and left, Kyoya looked in his notebook.

"I'm not getting married anytime soon to anyone, let alone Aki Kamimae, which, if I remember correctly, is the finest example alive of _Rich Bitch Sue_, if you can recall my last project. I just wanted to show you clearly what the next chapter of the current research will be about…

**Part IV: Ah, the OOC…

* * *

**

**Be prepared for the longest part of Kyoya's research... OMG! A CLIFFY!!!**

**

* * *

**


	5. OOC part 1

**Sorry for the long wait! Hope you enjoy! (And, if you like Aki, she's a side character in my "serious" Ouran fanfic)**

**

* * *

**

Kyoya sat at his desk, completing the first part of the notes to deliver to the Host Club by the next day. Then he changed his mind; maybe giving them around wasn't such a good idea – what would some of them say? He decided he'd ponder on it afterwards, though: first, he wrote an introduction and some sidenotes.

* * *

_(Kyoya's comments in italics)_

**OOC Part I: Canon clichés, exaggerations and opposites**

_In badfics, OOC usually shows up in 3 ways: one is the exaggeration of a canon cliché, and the other one is its opposite (most likely to appear when a Mary Sue enters the Host Club). Using a canon cliché is okay, but exaggerating it, trying to be too much in-character, can very easily backfire._

_

* * *

_

**Canon cliché: Stupid!Tamaki**

"Haruhi is my daughter! That's why I want to kiss her!"

_(Suuurrreee…)_

**Exaggeration: Very stupid!Tamaki**

"2+2=5! La-la-laaaa!!!"

_(Milord isn's stupid in THAT way. You missed the point.)_

**Opposite: Bright and self-conscious!Tamaki**

"Kyoya! I love Haruhi, I knew it from the very first moment, but tried to hide it! But I know this is the moment to tell the truth… will you be my man of honor?"

_(Dude, Haruhi just turned 16. And did you even propose to her?)_

"Oh, and I know the twins love her too… I know I will break their hearts…"

_(Again, did you ask Haruhi's opinion?)_

"I know for the first time in my life this is TRUE LOVE! I feel it! Oh, Kyoya, rejoice with me and…"

_(Stop it, please…)_

_

* * *

_

**Canon cliché: Would do anything for money!Kyoya**

"Hmm… I'll auction this tie, I think. I like it, but I can buy a new one any time. Then again, it'll surely profit me much more than it's worth."

_(My school tie? Good idea! I'll put it on the auction site in a few minutes.)_

**Exaggeration: Would do REALLY anything for money!Kyoya**

"Marry me, Aki Kamimae! Our companies will merge and profit much more!"

"Okay, but I can keep some lovers, right? But money above all!"

_(We have seen this. Me + Rich Bitch Sue = Total Emotional Desert.)_

"I think I'll put myself up for auction…"

_(Not before you walk over my corpse, fanfic author.)_

**Opposite: Sweet and caring!Kyoya**

"Darling insert: Haruhi/Renge/Aki/Sue/Tamaki, here, a bouquet of flowers I just picked with my own hands as I woke up at sunrise! Let's go to the beach to watch the sunset and collect shells, oh, my dear!"

_(Who the hell did just say that?)_

_

* * *

_

**Canon cliché: Selfish!Hikaru**

"Haruhi, _we_ are your friends, not anybody else, like that Arai guy!"

_(Canon.)_

**Exaggeration: Very selfish!Hikaru**

"Haruhi, you are mine and only mine!" Insert detailed description of rape here.

_(Okay, seriously? Wtf?)_

**Opposite: Utterly selfless!Hikaru**

"Oh, insert: Kaoru/Haruhi/Tamaki/Sue/Mori, be happy as you wish to! I'll crouch a while in Tamaki's emo corner, but I'm sure my bleeding heart will heal! Whine! Cry! Sob! Angst!"

_(I don't think we have the Emo Type in our club, but I'll check…)_

_

* * *

_

**Canon cliché: Loving and selfless!Kaoru**

"I'll get over Haruhi. Hikaru is more important for me."

_(That was noble of you, Kaoru.)_

**Exaggeration: Self-sacrificing!Kaoru**

"Oh! Hikaru! Be happy with Haruhi, but, oh, I can't bear to lose both of you!"

Thus Kaoru pulled out a dagger and stabbed himself in the heart.

_(Dude, poison is less painful, please, go for that next time. And no, that's not the only thing wrong with this piece.)_

**Opposite: Egoist!Kaoru**

"Rawr! Hikaru! Let's fight to the death over Haruhi! Meet me at Hunny-senpai's dojo!"

_(Can you even fight? I mean, karate, judo, anything?)_

_

* * *

_

**Canon cliché: Sweet!Hunny**

"Yay! Cake! I love you, beautiful ladies!"

_(Just remember to brush your teeth.)_

**Exaggeration: Sickeningly sweet!Hunny**

"La-la-la! Usa-chan! Woo! Cake! Woohoo! La-la-la!"

_(Hunny-senpai is 18. No, not 18 months.)_

**Opposite: Pervy old man sex addict!Hunny**

"Oh, your ass is so sexy!" Hunny said to insert: Haruhi/Tamaki/Mori/Sue/Kyoya "and I even prepared a camera, being filmed makes me so hard and horny…"

_(Get out, porn star. And I don't think this "movie" will bring profit to the club.)_

_

* * *

_

**Canon cliché: Silent!Mori**

Mori didn't answer Hunny's question.

_(That's okay, he usually just nods or something.)_

**Exaggeration: Mute!Mori**

"Please! Speak!"

Mori didn't say a word. The insert tragedy here (choose from the following: he was diagnosed with some very serious disease/his father disowned him/he got Haruhi pregnant/his brother ran off with Chika and married him) completely broke his heart – no one would ever hear him say a word again. Never ever.

_(Ah, the angst overload. But this is a bit too much, okay?)_

**Opposite: Chatty!Mori**

"Oh, insert: Haruhi/Kyoya/Kaoru/Sue/Hunny, I think we should get married! You know, a beach is very romantic, but maybe you like a mountain field better, or would you prefer a beautiful meadow? And we should get some ootoro and other great foods at the buffet, and what about inviting a master chef from France, maybe Tamaki could help us with that and…"

_(I think Mori would merely point at some picture, end of story. And there are more words here than I ever heard him say in three volumes in a row.)_

_

* * *

_

**Canon cliché: Detached!Haruhi**

"I don't really understand how the minds of the customers work…"

_(Me neither. But it brings profit! $$$!!!)_

**Exaggeration: Careless!Haruhi**

"Dude, stop screaming! I have to go home and do the laundry!" Haruhi walked away, without giving a seriously injured and profusely bleeding Tamaki a second look.

_(She even bandaged his lightly burnt finger… oh, never mind.)_

**Opposite: Horny!Haruhi**

"Insert: Tamaki/Hunny/Kyoya/Nekozawa, TAKE ME NOW!!!" Insert M-rated smut here.

_(I'll stop here and get some tea.)_


	6. OOC 2: M rated

**This chapter is the main reason why this story was rated M. Contains language and explicit parts, you have been warned.**

**

* * *

**

Kyoya, after lots of strong tea, was just about to open the folder labeled _Non-hosts_, when he heard banging steps and arguing from outside. He knew who was coming forward.

After pushing aside the butler and a couple of servants who tried to tell her that she didn't have an appointment, Aki Kamimae kicked the door open and slammed a huge pile of documents on Kyoya's desk.

"What are these? Would you like some tea?" he asked, calm as ever, making a mental note to add _rude_ to _Rich Bitch Sue_'s characteristics.

"I decided to have some little fun… maybe to help you with your project… I also called upon my friends and…"

Kyoya sighed.

"And…?"

"Riyoka (_Overly Sensible Sue_) is now at the hospital, with Itsuko and Orimi (_Blissfully Ignorant Wallpaper Sue #1 and #2_), while Kaname (_Dull Non-Sue Sue_) and I wrote these together."

"What, exactly?" Kyoya picked up a few of the papers and began to read them.

"We are _mature_ women after all…"

"Oh, dear…"

"I left Haruhi out. Strangely, the fics said he's a _girl_. Ha!"

Kyoya smiled cryptically.

"Well, gotta go now" Aki waved goodbye "bye-bye, _sweetheart_! Oh, by the way, this was very OOC of me!"

Kyoya smiled again, then wrote down one last sentence before plunging into the deep horrors of Aki's notes:

_Mary Sues are __never__ OOC. They can have all the adjectives in the world._

_

* * *

_

**OOC Part II: M-rated… oh, SMUT! SEX!**

**Tamaki**

Total uke, even to girls.

But makes the best uke for Kyoya.

Or Mori.

Or Hikaru.

Is seme only to Hunny.

Caring!Tamaki.

Indiscrete!Tamaki.

Tells the whole school about it!Tamaki

Except when he gets raped, which happens pretty often.

About twice a day, though occasionally only once.

But only if he's especially lucky.

_(Kyoya's comment: doesn't the Suoh family employ bodyguards? Oh, forget it. This is fanfiction…)_

**Kyoya**

Absolute seme.

Except when Tamaki decides to take his revenge.

His revenge for being tied to a wall, held on a leash, tortured, and, of course, raped.

For months.

Sometimes years.

There is no sex toy Kyoya hasn't tried yet.

Bondage master!Kyoya.

S&M loving!Kyoya.

Pregnant!Kyoya.

_(Kyoya's comment: I'm really sorry, but Milord calling me "mommy" doesn't change the fact that I don't have an uterus, thank you very much!)_

**Hikaru&Kaoru**

The world is composed of "us in bed" and "not us in bed".

The best way to show brotherly love is obviously incest.

But not fake incest, forget caresses, hugs and allusions. Total action!

Girls love subtle things, they won't like this.

Getting discovered my mommy is YUCK.

Filming others is great too.

For learning new positions, that is.

Pregnant!Kaoru.

_(Kyoya's comment: a baby. Born from a boy. The product of incest. Why isn't s/he yet in our hospital?)_

**Hunny**

Perfect uke.

Except when he's a total perv who rapes everyone within reach.

But mostly boys.

Longs to get raped, generally by Mori.

Or Tamaki, but that's rare.

Lollipops make the best sex toys.

Otherwise, chocolate and whipped cream will do, too.

Or even Usa-chan. Sexy, evil, horny bunny. Mmm.

Horny!Hunny.

Cross-dressing!Hunny.

Woman!Hunny.

Incestuous!Hunny.

_(Kyoya's comment: I'll get a passport for Chika. Please, run for your life.)_

**Mori**

Total seme, except when Pervert!Hunny shows up.

Sex god!Mori.

Has a very sexy ass.

And knows it.

Sex god!Mori

I could be wrong, but I don't think serving Hunny includes fucking the hell out of him.

Sex god!Mori.

His muscles flex like snakes.

Sex god!Mori.

Is very passionate, but silent. Oh, oh, ooohhh!!!

Did I mention Sex god!Mori?

* * *

For the first time since the research started, the pen fell out of Kyoya's hand as he fainted.


	7. OOC part 3

**Please bear in mind that I follow the manga. So if you've seen only the anime, feel free to skip the character Satoshi or anything else you might not know. Or, better yet, go read the manga, it's awesome!**

**And if you wonder where the "hentai anime" piece comes from - on the cover of Chapter 30 of the manga, Satoshi wears a necklace that, to me, looks like a womanly shape...**

**

* * *

**

**Sorry for the hiatus! Kyoya needed to recover, and now he's all right! :)**

**

* * *

**

"Kyoyaaaaaaaa!" shouted Aki from the Ohtori mansion's yard "why did you throw me out? I've got more! And we're _mature women_, and…"

"Then why is the fanfic featuring you titled _Immature_?" Kyoya slammed the window shut and ordered a couple of butlers to lead Miss Kamimae away.

He didn't want to see her for a few days at least, even if she payed.

Sighing, he opened the folder labeled _Non-hosts_, where he found more _canon clichés, exaggerations and opposites._

_

* * *

_

**Canon cliché: Dark!Nekozawa**

"Let me cast this wonderful spell with Bereznoff… muhahaha!"

_(Stay away from the club, please.)_

**Exaggeration: Suicidal!Nekozawa**

"Oh, due to insert tragedy here (choose from the following: Kirimi doesn't like him/he accidentally ripped Bereznoff/his spell didn't work/he got raped _(wtf?)_)… my life has no purpose… oh, Bereznoff, let's join the Death God…"

_(…please…)_

**Opposite: Cool!Nekozawa**

"Hahaha! I feel so much better now!" Nekozawa, standing in the bright sunlight, tossed away his cigarette, scratched his hair dyed with bright colors and…"

_(STOP! )_

_Side note: Some of the OOC Nekozawa badfics show an uncanny resemblance to some vampire novels, hm, what was the title? "Dusk"? Maybe "Nightfall"?_

_

* * *

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**Canon cliché: Angry!Chika**

"Grr! Prepare yourself, Mitsukuni!"

_(Not in the club room, please.)_

**Exaggeration: Destructive!Chika**

"YEAAARGH!" thus Chika, armed with a huge hammer, began destroying all the furniture in the Third Music Room.

_(Well, if he wants his father to pay for the damage…)_

**Opposite: Sissy!Chika**

"Here, a box of chocolates for you!" Chika handed the sweets to insert: Satoshi/Hunny/Haruhi/Sue/Kyoya.

_(Well, as long as he doesn't eat them himself… but wait, no. That is not okay!)_

_(A very disturbing subspecies is Horny!Chika, generally showing up with Sex starved!Hunny or OMGIMSOGAY!Satoshi)_

_

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**Canon cliché: Happy!Satoshi**

"Yay! Yasuchika! Let's play!"

_(That's fine. And no, not that kind of "play", you perverts!)_

**Exaggeration: Insane!Satoshi**

"Hahahaha! Yasuchika, it's only light!" thus Satoshi kept on hitting Chika's already dead body with the shinai.

_(Now, let me ask you, WHAT?)_

**Opposite: Emo!Satoshi**

"Oh, oh, oh… I'm so worried because insert sad stuff here (choose: Yasuchika got raped/his brother hates him/he has no taste buds/his favourite hentai anime stopped airing), I… oh! Where's the blade? I need to cut myself and see my blood spill to…"

_(Who the heck is this emo?)_

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* * *

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**Canon cliché: Conflicted!Kasanoda**

"I'm a yakuza… but… hm… Fujioka is cute, and I like gardening… ahem…"

_(The twins are gonna kill you, but fine…)_

**Exaggeration: Suffering from personality disorder!Kasanoda**

Kasanoda had to leave the Gardening Club early in order to insert quite improbable stuff here (choose: see his psychologist/go to anger management courses/get antidepressants/kill himself)

_(Choose the Ohtori company, please! Wait… this OOCness makes no sense!)_

**Opposite: Peaceful!Kasanoda**

Kasanoda peacefully walked past Tamaki and Haruhi snogging in the hallway, then, once home, he baked heart-shaped cookies to his underlings and signed the box with his own name.

_(Not likely…)_

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**Canon cliché: Loves his daughter!Ranka**

"Haruhiii! You're so cute when you're angryyy!"

_(Reminds me disturbingly of someone… hmm…)_

**Exaggeration: Abusive!Ranka**

"Silence!" shouted Ranka as he strapped Haruhi down "I love you so much…"

_(Oh, dear, no… this will make Angsty!Haruhi appear, and, really, just how OOC is that?)_

**Opposite: Random!Ranka**

Ranka decided that he should definitely insert totally random stuff here (choose: marry someone/see a medium to get in contact with Kotoko/shoot the Host Club boys/imprison someone in their flat to help Haruhi socialize).

_(All this makes no sense. Ranka-san ALWAYS tries to make some, at least…)_

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* * *

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**Canon cliché: Otaku!Renge**

"Your characters are all wrong! We should make Uki-Doki Memorial come alive here!"

_(No. Though, well, it might be interesting…)_

**Exaggeration: Mad!Renge**

"Your characters are all wrong! Now let's insert totally crazy otaku-ness here (choose: shave Hunny's head to make him look like Character X/Scar Tamaki's face to make him look like Character Y/Operate Mori into a transgender to make him like Character Z/Kill Hikaru for some twin drama)!"

_(Now THIS might NOT be interesting.)_

**Opposite: Normal!Renge**

"Your characters aren't like those in Uki-Doki Memorial, but who cares, this is real life, let's love it this way!"

_(Oh, it would have been just SO easy this way!)_


End file.
